The Author…

God I’m feeling at an all time low point in my life. The things that made my heart full of joy are becoming faded memories. My faith feels like I’ve failed you, my tears are like oceans of hopelessness. As I type this letter to you Lord, I feel so broken in my spirit. I’ve tried listening to sermons after sermons while meditating on your word but your child is lost. Have you been lost or lost something that you just want back so badly. Well God this is how I feel. I am dealing with some major depression in my life now and I need you Lord. I’m tired down in my spirit and I don’t know what to do. You know my heart means well Lord and I can’t shake this feeling of unhappiness. I’m a shame Lord. For some odd reason this chapter doesn’t feel so good. I can feel deep down and I want it to be gone Lord. When I’m not good, my child can feel it. Help me to be the best parent I can be Lord; Help me to see the good in me Lord; Help me to hold on Lord. Help me to find my GODFIDENCE again. This battle of not knowing my self is getting to me Lord. I know you sacrifice your life so that I won’t be in this space but the weight is feeling so heavy in my heart Lord. I want to surrender all things to you Father. I want to only depend on you and not man Lord. Lord I’ve been so disappointed lately in the actions of others myself and just allowing my happiness to not come first in my life. Please forgive me Lord. Renew my mind Lord. I know this will come to pass but please give me the strength to stand in it God. I’m feeling weak and I don’t like it. I am a woman of faith, and strength, But your daughter is needing YOU totally. Lord you know what my heart desires and for the fact that I keep feeling like I’m not in the right financial space to make moves has made me weary Lord. My motivation for success is becoming a different language of no understanding. I have underestimated my worth so many times that I believe I invited the very thing I’ve told others, now has became this huge war in my mind. I’m here with my heart wide open Lord, make me whole again. Take away this negative energy that’s pulling on my spirit father. I need you Lord. Right now. In Jesus name Amen.

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Can’t let go

It’s been damn near 20 years and I still can’t let go. Time and time again I tell myself don’t look back girl. But I can’t help how I feel about him. I spent 7 years with this man and I thought he would’ve asked me to be his Queen with his ring and he damn near killt that dream. We decided to be set FREE. His island roots is what I was drawn too but I never reached that land. We both went our separate ways and decided to remain friends and I ask myself why? Can I be friends with the man I spent 7 years in love with up til now. My mind is wreck with regrets and I still can’t let go. I know he will never be with again. Maybe he don’t see it, feel it, or fucking believe in US. I struggle with just being his friend because those early in the morning inspirational quotes have me beaming like a little girl. I love the attention you give to me constantly and when you don’t I pout. I mean, I can’t help how I feel because I still love you and yet I know you understand my love and I want you to have it all but my heart say STOP IT! Wtf you mean stop! This man makes me feel like a Queen at times because I got tired of feeling like I’m at my low and the energy he gives me feels like a constant flow of what I need. So, I feel trap with the need to feel this and it’s tearing me apart because I wish the person that’s here will do it instead but he’s so far up in his head about other things my needs are the furthest thing and he doesn’t notice and if he does he have a weird way of showing it. Sometimes this shit sucks with feeling this way, I feel like I’m waiting on him all over again to make me his wife. I asked him before why didn’t we marry and said that he was afraid. He has no idea of the tears I cried just because of that mistake. I cry in silent and sometimes loud. I wish the person that needs to hear me would just understand my heart. Maybe he’s scared again but this time I can’t wait again. I’m wishing, hoping, and praying for something that ain’t real to happen. I’m asking God why?? but no answer. I’m I a fool for waiting to be yours all over again? Can you trust the process of us loving each other and being fully present? I don’t think you can. You have too many obligations and it has nothing to do with family. Your loyalty is within too many that want an opportunity. So, I must express this out you. The love I have was for your unborn too. I see your worth and I called you King, now I must keep moving forward because this hurt is not good for me. You may never understand why I wanted to be your QUEEN.

Divine Assignments

DIVINE ASSIGNMENTS

By: LaQuita McBride

~Divine Assignments~
A book about how God turned my assignments into an unforgettable journey of healing testimonies to truly discover my true self to become influential today

We all have to discover who we truly are in this life and recognize our gifts through God. Sometimes our healing comes through that very things that tries to breaks us into pieces or mold us into that very creation that God has already created on the inside of us. Once we can acknowledge that, you begin to set yourself free in your own healing journey.

I was awakened one early morning out from my sleep to journal about my thoughts on my relationship with my mother and why was I struggling to have a healthy relationship with her. I asked God where is this going Lord? Now, I know I’m not supposed to question God but I got up and grab my journal from under the bed and began writing. Every thought became healing words. Every thought became clear. I cried from every emotion that led from my pen down to my journal as tears began to roll down my face. I didn’t stop writing. When I began thinking of a title for my story, it was so clear to me that this was something I needed to mend from and no one really had the answers to my questions but God.

 I am driven to share my story while continuing to grow in my own my process. Some may say, what are you trying to heal from? Sickness, a disease, drugs, alcohol, depression? No, but from my childhood from missing a mother’s presence. The one who birthed me. Who gave me life. Her only. My only was lost and from time to time I accepted that this was my life and how was I going to move through it.

Beautiful Broken Butterfly

My mother never stopped loving me, she was just in a different space in her own life that caused a pause in our lives. Throughout the years, I wondered so many times where she was and how she was doing. Sometimes I hated holidays and birthdays because the one person I needed and wanted to see wasn’t there to celebrate with me. Then there was times when I would get a phone call from her and my grandma would get in her car and we would go to her. Seeing her use to feel like bitter sweet moments because of how she would look. The oil smells from being at the downtown junkyards smelled a mile away. I prayed daily for her to come out of this. I know that God hears me.

Dear God, today I saw my mom and though I know she doesn’t want us to see here this way. Please protect her in these streets of Atlanta. Please keep your angels wrap around her daily Lord in Jesus name Amen.

 She wasn’t the woman I saw dress up once before, she was a crackhead out there in these filthy Atlanta streets with many other dope fiends. The dark side no one wants to talk about. Yet I watched her and tried smiling through the unbearable pain of what was in front of me. A hurt soul that needed no-one but God to save her. Not me. Not my grandma. When a child sees their parents or love one in a unconscious state of mind. That pain tends to leave a slight dent in our hearts. We are unaware of their own downfalls that has lead them to this point. Hating them is not the answer. Praying for them was all you can do.

  Growing up on Peter Street.

Living on Peters Street in Atlanta, Ga with a single mother was normal in those days. I had a few friends that had fathers in homes but it was just us in our two bedroom apartment and at that time my mother was a hard working lady with so much style about everything. She took really good care of us the best way she could. She kinda had this Jane Fonda side about her always exercising to stay in shape.  Everyday she walked me to school and even taught me how to walk by myself in those days. I got into my first fight with a girl whom brother liked me while I was in first grade and she was in the fifth. The next morning it appeared all the kids was waiting on to fight me and boi oh boi I wasn’t scared! My mother had on her security uniform and everyone thought she was a cop. Whew thank God she had it on that morning walking me to school. I had no problems after that she made her comment saying “ Nobody aint gon fuck with my child!” and if ya’ll do, ya’ll gon have some problems!” She was very protective of me and do you blame her? I was only her child, she meant what she said. My mom talked to me about life a lot. I guess she was trying to prepare me for these snakes out here in the streets and boy was she right. On one particular day I was faced with devil and his intentions. She asked her neighbor to watch me one day after I’d gotten out of school. Ms. Perline (pretend name) was sweet but was blinded by her boyfriend’s love for little girls when she wasn’t watching or maybe she was watching and cared not to say anything to protect me.

I’ll never forget that day he wanted to draw with me and he drew a picture of me and a man in lying in the bed and asked me was it ok for that to happen. I”ll never forget that nasty feeling I felt on the inside of me and was scared to share it with mama. One day she asked me “Was everything o.k?” I could never look at her in the eyes when something went wrong. I kept feeling like I did something wrong and when my mom would tell me ” I’ll kill a motherfucker if they did anything to you LaQuita!” Oh noo! that’s the last thing I want to happen to anyone, even if he did deserve to hurt. I never told her but I made sure I’ll never go back there again. At one point I had began to hate men who always told littles girls to come here and give me a hug. I always felt that they were up to no good! I never wanted to play any games with any man or sat on a mans lap! Nope not me! I’m never coming back over here!             

     A dark day

Dear God, where is my mama going and why are these people taking me some strange place!

I just want my mama! Lord please! Help me!

Things changed and time moved on but for the longest I didn’t know this day would forever change my life. Being a young girl at that time you kinda go with the flow with your parents with no questions ask. I never really knew my father, but I use to pray that one day he’ll come for me. One early morning, I remember getting dress and taking the Marta bus downtown area. My mother was very quiet that whole entire time, except when she made a comment that she hopes one day that I will forgive her for trying to do the right thing by me. I watched how she teared up some as she slowly wiped her face as we began to exit off the bus, I notice we began to walk towards a building with glass windows. We were there for a long time and when my mom walked out from what seem like a long meeting, she left out the same doors we walk in together without me asking me to forgive her constantly. I sat there confuse and right then I just wanted someone that knows me to save me. All I wanted was for her to come back to me. My cries wasn’t enough to fight away from these people in their suits.

A grandmother’s love

My grandmother fought the system and I return home with her. Many years passed and here I was going from one family to another along with my cousin. During that time my mom was in and out of rehab and lived in various support housing programs that helps people in situations. You know during this phase, you just want it to all be over with. The visits were becoming easier at one time then back harder. She was trying her hardest to put the demons behind her daily. I saw her fight through her eyes as they met my eyes.

My mom always had a way to get gifts to me when she could. She was good in putting things together for me for special occasions like my birthday. And when she could she would give me money to do what I wanted for self. I was getting older now and I soon began to process in my own mind and feelings about everything that was taken place in front of my eyes.

Sometimes meeting her for these gifts became war for her and my grandmother. My grandmother was hurt deep down but she stayed prayed up for her children. She watched her child go from a Graduate to being a lover of the pipe. She wore that pain and hid it away down deep in prayer with God. We both did, sometimes I felt my grandmother didn’t know what to say to me at times. But what she told me to always pray and trust God and that’s exactly what I did for all of us. We was all suffering from something and only God was our truth to getting to a place of peace.  

 No More

Getting to a place a peace seemed so far away but you began learning the facts of life and not one time I thought God was punishing me for it. Sometimes when we look at our pain and ask why? We start to questions Gods authority on our life. But my life was changing, and the world was too. So, at an early age I began to tell myself never to express this pain to anyone because I will be seen as weak. And being weak was the last thing I needed to be. Those that truly knew my heart, knew my struggles. I will forever cherish those intimate moments in my life.  Certain moments in your life will make or break you. I was becoming into my own and that’s how I wanted the rest of my life to be.

That was then, so what if you appear to be weak. That very thing we feel as tho we must heal from, we need to face it head on! That very thing that makes us put pillows on our heads and cry we must stand and look it dead in its eyes and say ” No more will I play the victim role!”

Taken by yours truly. I named it ” Time alone”

Have you ever asked?

Have you ever thought to ask your parents about their child hood and if they had a decent childhood? Do you think having a open conversation about who they truly are could lead you to a place of knowing self?

Well I can you that 9 out of 10 they didn’t have the proper childhood we think that we miss out on.

When I asked that question I was able to get a clearer picture of whom my mom was as a person before being a mother. I had to understand her struggles and pain that has been kept so deep within her heart.

Understanding where it all stems from will automatically sometimes give you the answer that you’re searching for. One thing I had to be completely clear about   no one could give me my moms story better than she could. If you can get just a few questions or just a peek understanding of where it all stems from, you will begin to heal. And if you can’t get those answers keep pressing forward and know that God has a greater plan for your life. Keep in mind that you are not fighting this battle alone. Don’t stop being the person you want to become or trying new things out. Keep living, keep striving for greater and don’t give up on yourself. Your parents was kids before they ever knew of you or thought of you. Pray for their inner child to heal. Forgive them completely and most importantly forgive yourself. If you still have your parent or parents around, let them know that all has been forgiven so You can see your higher self, break through this turmoil that has your mind captured in the past. Set your mind free from the things you have no real understanding about. Live by your inner knowledge and strength.

What if you could tap into your inner child and see your parent (s) inner child. Imagine what that conversation is. Ask the inner child those unanswered questions and watch the inner child cry with confusion. Hug the inner child and say “ It’s not your fault the way things turn out”. Your parents just didn’t know. If you grew up in the 90’s where drugs and alcohol came into the household of many then yes, you were subjected into a unwanted chapter that became your reality alone with many others in this world. Watching a parent stick a needle in their arm or turning a bottle up was not something we all wanted to see. The smell of dope in the air is not a fragrance that’s pleasing to our mentality. It’s not a scent or something that you want to see around you. Being in a poison environment could either make or break you. Fighting everyday to have peace is not something God did. It’s the decisions that was made by those around you that placed you in certain situations that you weren’t aware of. Children lives are affected daily by the true decisions of the people they look up to to help them.

Yet, they’re left alone to fend for themselves on how they’re going to survive out here in this world without guidance. Their being lead by the people who push the dope in their parents hands and watch their parents kill themselves slowly all for the dollar bill. When I was 15 years old I remember writing down my definition on what dope stood for, I said it meant Destruction On Peoples Environment.  That still stands today, it may not be drugs per say  it could be other factors of life that’s causing destruction on someone such as not living a life of peace, a safe environment, food, being in abusive relationships with a person that doesn’t love themselves. It could be growing up in the hood and thinking that some of the behavior that you saw was acceptable behavior and now that you have kids that same behavior is being molded over and over again. When you want better, you can start by changing your mindset first. Know that God has never left your side in this journey. We must stop looking for other people to save us and save ourselves. Just because your situation wasn’t all peaches and strawberries, doesn’t gives you the right to continue a cycle of constant hurt, pain and fear amongst the generation of kids. Be different, give different to get a different outcome. Decide today that You don’t have to carry this pain any longer. Release it away and be free. That is your right.

Laquita M.

Letting Life Flow

So many times right out the blue I speak with God about that very thing that bothers me from time to time. Then God slowly reminds me of the importance of love & forgiveness. Read from the book Colossians 3:12-14 EVS

Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put-on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.

As many bible verses I’ve read, this one spoke out to my soul. A few years ago I decided that I really needed to burn and bury this pain I had hovering in me about my life in general. One early morning I’d gotten up around 4 a.m and began to write out everything that made me feel inadequate and why was the little girl in me still suffering so deeply. As I wrote every detail out I can feel the releasing of my soul. I could feel the layers of being pulled back every time I cried out to God. I told God I was angry because I felt forsaken and why was I living a life that felt like I was getting out of. I silence my cry and told God how this pain has put on burden on me and I needed him to release his daughter from it now. That was too much for me to hold on to. When I finally finished writing. I had written a four page letter out. I still had time to go outside sit on my patio and burn that letter. I burned the abandonment, shame, molestation, unsettlement and most importantly I burned that negative voice that always been with me.

Making me feel like I needed validation from others or If I wasn’t loved right by my terms it was a problem. I held that candle to my letter of chaos and gave God back all the glory. I had to honor God and be obedient. I was told to do this many years ago and I didn’t listen. I stayed in it and suffered. The only time I was free from it was the love of my child. She loved me without conditions and she’ll always forever be my best friend. I had to let life flow so I can be present. My heart healed but I was steady fighting other people battles that had nothing to do with me.

I understand it now, when God gets ready to delete the pain you keep trying to fester in your life, it will stop your healing process. Allow God to do his work because honestly you don’t know who you’re going to effect with your healing. Truth is you gotta want it. You got to want that genuine love that comes from our Father in Christ. Hebrews 4:14-16 already said: Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

God plans is only the right path for us to take. Man can try an create his own but if God doesn’t smile upon it, then it’s worthless.  Find the path that’s right for your spirit. Everyone’s path is so different and as many books or quotes we’ve read we have heard it over and over again. Choose to live a life in peace and not in pieces as  Iyanla Vanzant would say. Let God fight your battles for you. Release the brokenness and just know it’s really ok to start over. You can have peace with your hurt. I’m living it.

Laquita M.

You never know His plans

You just never know

I began building a career in the human service field for myself after school. One day I’ve received a phone call from my mom and she was just checking in on me. I told her that I was out and about searching for jobs and that’s when she told me about becoming a Resident Assistance at the Community Center downtown. For a moment I thought to myself why would I want to work down there and do that! But came Monday morning I was there meeting and greeting people the same place my mom fought her demons at. It never really hit me that this was the same place me and grandma came to visit my mom years ago and now I’m working here. When I got home I crashed on my sofa thinking wow God you are funny right..

I was beginning to have serious flashbacks of being a child and walking up to that brick building and watching the people who needed assistance along their journey now became a whole new chapter for me.

I worked hard and loved what I did while there. I was glad to be use the way I allowed God to in my life. While working, my mom was staying focus on her life and getting clean. I was beginning to feel like I can breathe again and yet feel freedom.  God placed me in that position to learn all about what my mom went through. I prayed for people to be release from those demons out there in those streets. I cried with those that didn’t see a way. Therefore we shouldn’t judge. I’ve meet people that had high power positions careers, regular people that just gave up and was tired! They would always say to me.. you’re too young to know this pain. But I cared a great deal and tho there’s no comparison when it comes to pain. I knew being a child from a broken soul meant something had to mend. I will forever my greatful for that experience in my life. I had to see and feel the other side of what my mom went through. Understanding her struggles helped me to understand my struggles. And now I don’t have to replay that hurt. It’s well buried away and now my heart is open to receive that love that was once put on hold. Trust his plans, even if you think it’s not working. The journey belongs to you.

A day in the life.

Today was one the best days of my life. ” Hum really I said.” She couldn’t see me but I made her heart smile and she made mines. We spent genuine time together expressing our past times. Laughing at old sayings and replaying memories after memories. She thought I came to only work my time but we both was needing simple human interaction that gave us peace. Today, was such a blessing to be in your space. I wish you could see the smile upon my face but I get it, your blind. We almost forgot about the time because there’s no overtime in this thing call work. You gave me perfect peace for what it’s all worth. I can’t wait to spend time with you again. Until then I’ll be calling you and you’ll remember me, You’ll hear me smile because the eyes cannot see.

Sincerely,

Your Caregiver

That feeling

Ever had that feeling in your spirit of feeling lost in this world? Well, If you’re anything like me an have these restless feelings then hey know that you are not alone. At some point in our lives were all searching for a piece of freedom weather it’s being free from a dead weight job, city, unsureness of your relationships, whatever that thing is that’s making you feel like BLAH you gotta get the hell out dodge so the old folks would say. Most times when people are feeling this way they tend to look at maybe they’re depress or some sort. Maybe it could just be time for a new breathing scenery in your life, personally I can speak for myself on this very well known emotion. Trying to figure out what’s the next steps and is God listening when your praying for movement in your life. Yeah, that’s the exact thing a lot us are probably questioning him along with other things. Ever sat down and journal? You’re probably saying well who has time for that right? What I’ve most rewarding about getting those feelings out on paper is that, once you release it from the mind and put on a cloud and just let it float far, far, away. One thing I’ve learnt in these years is that when life feels like it’s too much to handle then guess what? You gotta start having that open talk with God and just know there’s no special way to do that. You just gotta do it. Do not compromise your self worth of not living your best life. Trust me those that know that already are patting themselves on the back. We really must start paying attention to how the enemy tries to shift our minds. Ever notice if you’re in a good mood and all of sudden something crazy happens? Or maybe, the person in the room just does not feel quite right? It can also be what someone said unintentionally or just a shift in the room that makes you feel not yourself. Start paying attention to the energy that’s around you. It could very well be protecting you or creating chaos in your mind. You know, years ago I was never in tune with shift of energy but I do know that I am responsible for the energy that I have within me and how it’s being disperse out. So, if I show up negative expecting a happy outcome, then I must be outta my mind! In the world we live today, people actually think this way. Protect your energy at all times and let know one pull you into thier madness. Be the force you want to see in the world. Take complete charge on what you will and will not allow in your space. Trust me, you will thank yourself sooner or later.

From a daughter’s heart

Mother’s day has came and gone and what I most appreciate is the fact that I get to spend time with you anytime. I get to chillax with you, laugh with you, talk a whole lotta mess with you. I don’t have to wish anymore. You have no idea that my heart is full and couldn’t do it with out Gods help. Thank you for teaching me to put God first in all that I do. I honor your strength, your beauty, your space that you’re in that can not be broken.

It was a time I didn’t think that you would still be here but I’m glad the time has change. I never have to worry because I know that you’re o.k. I smile when you text me just to say hello, I want take it for granted that we have a second chance. This time around I know it will last. So I’m taking the time to say how I feel because nothing is promise and don’t want to leave this earth and not express how I feel. You have been clean for almost 20 years now and yes I’m feeling bless, to have my momma around is simply the best. I love you mom and keep being you.

Divine Assignments

DIVINE ASSIGNMENTS

By: LaQuita McBride

~Divine Assignments~
A book about how God turned my assignments into an unforgettable journey of healing testimonies to truly discover my true self to become influential today

We all have to discover who we truly are in this life and recognize our gifts through God. Sometimes our healing comes through that very things that tries to breaks us into pieces or mold us into that very creation that God has already created on the inside of us. Once we can acknowledge that, you begin to set yourself free in your own healing journey.

I was awakened one early morning out from my sleep to journal about my thoughts on my relationship with my mother and why was I struggling to have a healthy relationship with her. I asked God where is this going Lord? Now, I know I’m not supposed to question God but I got up and grab my journal from under the bed and began writing. Every thought became healing words. Every thought became clear. I cried from every emotion that led from my pen down to my journal as tears began to roll down my face. I didn’t stop writing. When I began thinking of a title for my story, it was so clear to me that this was something I needed to mend from and no one really had the answers to my questions but God.

 I am driven to share my story while continuing to grow in my own my process. Some may say, what are you trying to heal from? Sickness, a disease, drugs, alcohol, depression? No, but from my childhood from missing a mother’s presence. The one who birthed me. Who gave me life. Her only. My only was lost and from time to time I accepted that this was my life and how was I going to move through it.

Beautiful Broken Butterfly

My mother never stopped loving me, she was just in a different space in her own life that caused a pause in our lives. Throughout the years, I wondered so many times where she was and how she was doing. Sometimes I hated holidays and birthdays because the one person I needed and wanted to see wasn’t there to celebrate with me. Then there was times when I would get a phone call from her and my grandma would get in her car and we would go to her. Seeing her use to feel like bitter sweet moments because of how she would look. The oil smells from being at the downtown junkyards smelled a mile away. I prayed daily for her to come out of this. I know that God hears me.

Dear God, today I saw my mom and though I know she doesn’t want us to see here this way. Please protect her in these streets of Atlanta. Please keep your angels wrap around her daily Lord in Jesus name Amen.

 She wasn’t the woman I saw dress up once before, she was a crackhead out there in these filthy Atlanta streets with many other dope fiends. The dark side no one wants to talk about. Yet I watched her and tried smiling through the unbearable pain of what was in front of me. A hurt soul that needed no-one but God to save her. Not me. Not my grandma. When a child sees their parents or love one in a unconscious state of mind. That pain tends to leave a slight dent in our hearts. We are unaware of their own downfalls that has lead them to this point. Hating them is not the answer. Praying for them was all you can do.

  Growing up on Peter Street.

Living on Peters Street in Atlanta, Ga with a single mother was normal in those days. I had a few friends that had fathers in homes but it was just us in our two bedroom apartment and at that time my mother was a hard working lady with so much style about everything. She took really good care of us the best way she could. She kinda had this Jane Fonda side about her always exercising to stay in shape.  Everyday she walked me to school and even taught me how to walk by myself in those days. I got into my first fight with a girl whom brother liked me while I was in first grade and she was in the fifth. The next morning it appeared all the kids was waiting on to fight me and boi oh boi I wasn’t scared! My mother had on her security uniform and everyone thought she was a cop. Whew thank God she had it on that morning walking me to school. I had no problems after that she made her comment saying “ Nobody aint gon fuck with my child!” and if ya’ll do, ya’ll gon have some problems!” She was very protective of me and do you blame her? I was only her child, she meant what she said. My mom talked to me about life a lot. I guess she was trying to prepare me for these snakes out here in the streets and boy was she right. On one particular day I was faced with devil and his intentions. She asked her neighbor to watch me one day after I’d gotten out of school. Ms. Perline (pretend name) was sweet but was blinded by her boyfriend’s love for little girls when she wasn’t watching or maybe she was watching and cared not to say anything to protect me.

I’ll never forget that day he wanted to draw with me and he drew a picture of me and a man in lying in the bed and asked me was it ok for that to happen. I”ll never forget that nasty feeling I felt on the inside of me and was scared to share it with mama. One day she asked me “Was everything o.k?” I could never look at her in the eyes when something went wrong. I kept feeling like I did something wrong and when my mom would tell me ” I’ll kill a motherfucker if they did anything to you LaQuita!” Oh noo! that’s the last thing I want to happen to anyone, even if he did deserve to hurt. I never told her but I made sure I’ll never go back there again. At one point I had began to hate men who always told littles girls to come here and give me a hug. I always felt that they were up to no good! I never wanted to play any games with any man or sat on a mans lap! Nope not me! I’m never coming back over here!             

     A dark day

Dear God, where is my mama going and why are these people taking me some strange place!

I just want my mama! Lord please! Help me!

Things changed and time moved on but for the longest I didn’t know this day would forever change my life. Being a young girl at that time you kinda go with the flow with your parents with no questions ask. I never really knew my father, but I use to pray that one day he’ll come for me. One early morning, I remember getting dress and taking the Marta bus downtown area. My mother was very quiet that whole entire time, except when she made a comment that she hopes one day that I will forgive her for trying to do the right thing by me. I watched how she teared up some as she slowly wiped her face as we began to exit off the bus, I notice we began to walk towards a building with glass windows. We were there for a long time and when my mom walked out from what seem like a long meeting, she left out the same doors we walk in together without me asking me to forgive her constantly. I sat there confuse and right then I just wanted someone that knows me to save me. All I wanted was for her to come back to me. My cries wasn’t enough to fight away from these people in their suits.

A grandmother’s love

My grandmother fought the system and I return home with her. Many years passed and here I was going from one family to another along with my cousin. During that time my mom was in and out of rehab and lived in various support housing programs that helps people in situations. You know during this phase, you just want it to all be over with. The visits were becoming easier at one time then back harder. She was trying her hardest to put the demons behind her daily. I saw her fight through her eyes as they met my eyes.

My mom always had a way to get gifts to me when she could. She was good in putting things together for me for special occasions like my birthday. And when she could she would give me money to do what I wanted for self. I was getting older now and I soon began to process in my own mind and feelings about everything that was taken place in front of my eyes.

Sometimes meeting her for these gifts became war for her and my grandmother. My grandmother was hurt deep down but she stayed prayed up for her children. She watched her child go from a Graduate to being a lover of the pipe. She wore that pain and hid it away down deep in prayer with God. We both did, sometimes I felt my grandmother didn’t know what to say to me at times. But what she told me to always pray and trust God and that’s exactly what I did for all of us. We was all suffering from something and only God was our truth to getting to a place of peace.  

 No More

Getting to a place a peace seemed so far away but you began learning the facts of life and not one time I thought God was punishing me for it. Sometimes when we look at our pain and ask why? We start to questions Gods authority on our life. But my life was changing, and the world was too. So, at an early age I began to tell myself never to express this pain to anyone because I will be seen as weak. And being weak was the last thing I needed to be. Those that truly knew my heart, knew my struggles. I will forever cherish those intimate moments in my life.  Certain moments in your life will make or break you. I was becoming into my own and that’s how I wanted the rest of my life to be.

That was then, so what if you appear to be weak. That very thing we feel as tho we must heal from, we need to face it head on! That very thing that makes us put pillows on our heads and cry we must stand and look it dead in its eyes and say ” No more will I play the victim role!”

Taken by yours truly. I named it ” Time alone”

Have you ever asked?

Have you ever thought to ask your parents about their child hood and if they had a decent childhood? Do you think having a open conversation about who they truly are could lead you to a place of knowing self?

Well I can you that 9 out of 10 they didn’t have the proper childhood we think that we miss out on.

When I asked that question I was able to get a clearer picture of whom my mom was as a person before being a mother. I had to understand her struggles and pain that has been kept so deep within her heart.

Understanding where it all stems from will automatically sometimes give you the answer that you’re searching for. One thing I had to be completely clear about   no one could give me my moms story better than she could. If you can get just a few questions or just a peek understanding of where it all stems from, you will begin to heal. And if you can’t get those answers keep pressing forward and know that God has a greater plan for your life. Keep in mind that you are not fighting this battle alone. Don’t stop being the person you want to become or trying new things out. Keep living, keep striving for greater and don’t give up on yourself. Your parents was kids before they ever knew of you or thought of you. Pray for their inner child to heal. Forgive them completely and most importantly forgive yourself. If you still have your parent or parents around, let them know that all has been forgiven so You can see your higher self, break through this turmoil that has your mind captured in the past. Set your mind free from the things you have no real understanding about. Live by your inner knowledge and strength.

What if you could tap into your inner child and see your parent (s) inner child. Imagine what that conversation is. Ask the inner child those unanswered questions and watch the inner child cry with confusion. Hug the inner child and say “ It’s not your fault the way things turn out”. Your parents just didn’t know. If you grew up in the 90’s where drugs and alcohol came into the household of many then yes, you were subjected into a unwanted chapter that became your reality alone with many others in this world. Watching a parent stick a needle in their arm or turning a bottle up was not something we all wanted to see. The smell of dope in the air is not a fragrance that’s pleasing to our mentality. It’s not a scent or something that you want to see around you. Being in a poison environment could either make or break you. Fighting everyday to have peace is not something God did. It’s the decisions that was made by those around you that placed you in certain situations that you weren’t aware of. Children lives are affected daily by the true decisions of the people they look up to to help them.

Yet, they’re left alone to fend for themselves on how they’re going to survive out here in this world without guidance. Their being lead by the people who push the dope in their parents hands and watch their parents kill themselves slowly all for the dollar bill. When I was 15 years old I remember writing down my definition on what dope stood for, I said it meant Destruction On Peoples Environment.  That still stands today, it may not be drugs per say  it could be other factors of life that’s causing destruction on someone such as not living a life of peace, a safe environment, food, being in abusive relationships with a person that doesn’t love themselves. It could be growing up in the hood and thinking that some of the behavior that you saw was acceptable behavior and now that you have kids that same behavior is being molded over and over again. When you want better, you can start by changing your mindset first. Know that God has never left your side in this journey. We must stop looking for other people to save us and save ourselves. Just because your situation wasn’t all peaches and strawberries, doesn’t gives you the right to continue a cycle of constant hurt, pain and fear amongst the generation of kids. Be different, give different to get a different outcome. Decide today that You don’t have to carry this pain any longer. Release it away and be free. That is your right.

Laquita M.

Letting Life Flow

So many times right out the blue I speak with God about that very thing that bothers me from time to time. Then God slowly reminds me of the importance of love & forgiveness. Read from the book Colossians 3:12-14 EVS

Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put-on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.

As many bible verses I’ve read, this one spoke out to my soul. A few years ago I decided that I really needed to burn and bury this pain I had hovering in me about my life in general. One early morning I’d gotten up around 4 a.m and began to write out everything that made me feel inadequate and why was the little girl in me still suffering so deeply. As I wrote every detail out I can feel the releasing of my soul. I could feel the layers of being pulled back every time I cried out to God. I told God I was angry because I felt forsaken and why was I living a life that felt like I was getting out of. I silence my cry and told God how this pain has put on burden on me and I needed him to release his daughter from it now. That was too much for me to hold on to. When I finally finished writing. I had written a four page letter out. I still had time to go outside sit on my patio and burn that letter. I burned the abandonment, shame, molestation, unsettlement and most importantly I burned that negative voice that always been with me.

Making me feel like I needed validation from others or If I wasn’t loved right by my terms it was a problem. I held that candle to my letter of chaos and gave God back all the glory. I had to honor God and be obedient. I was told to do this many years ago and I didn’t listen. I stayed in it and suffered. The only time I was free from it was the love of my child. She loved me without conditions and she’ll always forever be my best friend. I had to let life flow so I can be present. My heart healed but I was steady fighting other people battles that had nothing to do with me.

I understand it now, when God gets ready to delete the pain you keep trying to fester in your life, it will stop your healing process. Allow God to do his work because honestly you don’t know who you’re going to effect with your healing. Truth is you gotta want it. You got to want that genuine love that comes from our Father in Christ. Hebrews 4:14-16 already said: Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

God plans is only the right path for us to take. Man can try an create his own but if God doesn’t smile upon it, then it’s worthless.  Find the path that’s right for your spirit. Everyone’s path is so different and as many books or quotes we’ve read we have heard it over and over again. Choose to live a life in peace and not in pieces as  Iyanla Vanzant would say. Let God fight your battles for you. Release the brokenness and just know it’s really ok to start over. You can have peace with your hurt. I’m living it.

Laquita M.

You never know His plans

You just never know

I began building a career in the human service field for myself after school. One day I’ve received a phone call from my mom and she was just checking in on me. I told her that I was out and about searching for jobs and that’s when she told me about becoming a Resident Assistance at the Community Center downtown. For a moment I thought to myself why would I want to work down there and do that! But came Monday morning I was there meeting and greeting people the same place my mom fought her demons at. It never really hit me that this was the same place me and grandma came to visit my mom years ago and now I’m working here. When I got home I crashed on my sofa thinking wow God you are funny right..

I was beginning to have serious flashbacks of being a child and walking up to that brick building and watching the people who needed assistance along their journey now became a whole new chapter for me.

I worked hard and loved what I did while there. I was glad to be use the way I allowed God to in my life. While working, my mom was staying focus on her life and getting clean. I was beginning to feel like I can breathe again and yet feel freedom.  God placed me in that position to learn all about what my mom went through. I prayed for people to be release from those demons out there in those streets. I cried with those that didn’t see a way. Therefore we shouldn’t judge. I’ve meet people that had high power positions careers, regular people that just gave up and was tired! They would always say to me.. you’re too young to know this pain. But I cared a great deal and tho there’s no comparison when it comes to pain. I knew being a child from a broken soul meant something had to mend. I will forever my greatful for that experience in my life. I had to see and feel the other side of what my mom went through. Understanding her struggles helped me to understand my struggles. And now I don’t have to replay that hurt. It’s well buried away and now my heart is open to receive that love that was once put on hold. Trust his plans, even if you think it’s not working. The journey belongs to you.